How To Improve Your Sex Life During Quarantine
Most of us are in month three of the shelter in place order and it seems that we have a ways to go before we can go back to some semblance of normalcy. Couples and individuals in relationships are not only struggling with issues related to negotiating space, alone time, fairness in terms of dividing parenting and household chores, work-life balance but also a decline in sexual connection. And this decline is not just happening among couples with prior sexual struggles but also among couples who did not have any sexual issues previously in their relationship.
Going into the quarantine, many of us were excited about the idea of spending all this additional time with our partners and putting in some much-needed effort to improve our relationships. So, the decline instead of an improvement in sex has caught some people off guard. And it’s not just sex that people are having a hard time with maintaining some kind of consistency. Other self-care activities are also difficult to follow through. Despite all the time we have one our hands, people are finding it challenging to take care of themselves emotionally and physically. Exercise, meditation, eating healthy, are all things that people want to do but just can’t keep up with them or lose their momentum rather quickly.
Here are some reasons I am hearing from my clients for the decline in their sexual connection:
· Limited opportunities for couples who have kids and don’t have enough privacy in their homes.
· People feeling overwhelmed with juggling work and homeschooling their children.
· People facing financial distress and uncertainty.
· People with prior struggles with anxiety/depression are finding that their emotional issues are exasperated by the situation.
· Sexual boredom and monotony.
· Lack of healthy outlets for stress and feelings of isolation.
· People are grappling with the threat to their health and safety which leaves very little energy for lovemaking.
· People who are single are also having less sex because of the quarantine which limits their access to dating and meeting new people.
Here is what I am telling couples and individuals wanting to improve their sexual connection during the quarantine:
1. Shake things up-
It is difficult to go from juggling working from home and homeschooling kids all day to an impromptu lovemaking session in the evening. I suggest that couples start by bringing romance back because romance is an essential part of foreplay, especially in long term relationships.
Have a date night in the backyard and plan a romantic/candlelight dinner. Go through the routine of getting ready for the date night as if you are going out- picking out a sexy outfit, grooming or shaving, doing makeup and hair, wearing your lover’s favorite perfume/cologne. Bring back spontaneity and do a dance session with your partner or engage in activities that are fun and playful such as playing board games, cards, and even wrestling! Start by having fun first and sex will follow.
2. Try something new-
This is a perfect time to expand your sexual repertoire and try things that you have always wanted to explore- a new sex toy, lingerie, light bondage or the flavored lube that has been sitting in your nightstand drawer or maybe a new position! Change up your sexual script- make foreplay the main entrée, rather than the appetizer or change the way you make love. If you have sex in the bedroom, change it up and have sex in the kitchen, the shower, and if you are feeling very adventurous- in the backyard, under the stars!
Because of the quarantine, there is very little novelty in our lives and every day feels exactly the same as yesterday. It is normal for sex to also feel boring and monotonous at this time and by trying new things, you can bring back a sense of excitement and passion. When we open ourselves up to new experiences, we feel alive and invigorated and it also fosters trust between partners.
3. Focus on outercourse-
Try to focus more on non-penetrative sexual activities such as erotic massages, mutual masturbation, sensual touching, foreplay, and tons of physical touch throughout the day. It will be easier to get into the mood if the seduction extends beyond the ten minutes leading to sex.
When people overly focus on penetration, sex becomes task-oriented and as we all know, we don't get much pleasure out of tasks! Overly focusing on penetrative sex is the number one reason for sexual boredom because the idea that only penetrative sex is “real sex” puts people in a mindset where they are not open to trying out some of the other things that I mentioned above, which are all part of sex.
4. Singles and sex-
Since social distancing makes it impossible to go out on dates, singles can take advantage of sexting, virtual sex, and masturbation. Using toys that can be remotely controlled is also an exciting and fun way to keep things interesting between partners who can't see each other in person.
This is also a time to spend some time exploring your sexual preferences and see if you and a prospective partner are compatible in those areas. Go deeper within yourself and find out what you want from a partner and use this time to really get to know people without the pressure to meet up in person.
About the author: Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., L.P.C.C., C.S.T. is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and PACT Level II Certified Couples Therapist. She specializes in working with couples & individuals struggling with low or mismatched libido, weak or absent orgasms, performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, sexuality & aging, general sexual dissatisfaction etc. She also works with people interested in exploring sexual orientation, gender identity, kink, BDSM & polyamory.