Let's Talk About Sex
Talking about sex with your partner can transform your sex life. Sex therapy at Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc. in Dublin & Oakland helps couples all over the bay area transform their sexual connection.
Photo by Becca Tapert
Talking about sex is as important as having sex. The ability to communicate with your partner about sex- your needs, desires & fantasies directly correlates with a fulfilling, healthy sex life. Couples that are good at communicating about sex are also good in bed. Being able to tell your partner how you want to be touched, kissed and seduced increases the likelihood of mind-blowing orgasms & higher frequency of sexual contact between partners.
So how do couples become great sex communicators?
Communication is a skill and that means it can be learned. Not all of us are born with extraordinary communication skills. For most of us, we have to learn the nuances of verbal and non-verbal communication needed for social and interpersonal interaction. Communicating about sex is also a skill and doesn’t necessarily go hand-in-hand with the ability to communicate in social situations.
In this article, I am sharing some ideas that can help you feel a bit more comfortable talking about sex with your partner.
When to communicate?
During sex-
Ideally, being able to communicate during sex in a skillful way can enhance the sexual experience. However, if it is done without tact, it could spoil the moment and the mood. Before attempting to communicate during sex, try talking about it before or after.
Instant Replay-
Get into the habit of checking in with each other after every sexual encounter. Go back in your mind and share the highlights of your experience. Ask your partner what felt good and what did not, what you could do differently next time, which positions felt good and the ones that your partner could do without. Give each other compliments & show appreciation!
During a massage-
Use this exercise to learn the basics of communicating about what gives you pleasure. Set a quiet evening aside to connect with each other’s bodies. After a shower and maybe before bed, set aside 15-20 minutes to give each other a full body massage. The recipient partner provides feedback to the partner giving the massage about the touch, pressure and other sensations. For example, if the recipient partner wants the giving partner to go slow, exert more/less pressure, focus on one area of the body etc. Based on the feedback that is given, the partner giving the massage, modifies their massaging technique and checks in to ensure that it is fulfilling & satisfying for their partner. Take turns doing this exercise and discuss what it was like to give and receive feedback.
In bed-
On a night when you and your partner are feeling too tired to have sex, turn off the lights, snuggle and initiate a conversation about sex. Exchange sexual fantasies with each other or share your turn-ons. Talk about the last time you both had sex and share how amazing it was for you and if there is anything you would want your partner to do differently. Take the time to plan out the next encounter and if you want to try out a new position or perhaps a new location! Talking about sex while feeling relaxed and physically close to each other can be a form of erotic stimulation and may lead to putting your ideas into practice!
How to communicate?
Show & Tell-
This technique works best during sex. If you want your partner to change the angle, the position or the stimulation, gently re position them or yourself. Take your partner’s hand and show them how you want to be touched or kiss your partner the way you want to be kissed. Use non-verbal ways of communicating, if you think being verbal might ruin the mood. Use your body movements & voice to express pleasure or discomfort.
Watch & Learn-
One of the best ways to learn about your partner’s body is to watch them pleasure themselves. Masturbating, touching, pleasuring yourself in your partner’s presence is not just erotically stimulating but also an excellent opportunity for your partner to learn how to mirror your moves, strokes and stimulation and give you absolute pleasure.
I statements-
Always use I statements for effective & clear communication. By using I statements, the receiver of the message is less likely to feel blamed or criticized. Instead of saying, you never kiss me after we are done making love; try saying, I would like if we kissed after we get done having sex. Your partner is more likely to be receptive to your feedback if you don’t come across as critical, threatening, or dismissive.
State your fears to create safety-
For some couples, talking about sex is much more difficult than talking about money, parenting or in laws. In order to create safety for the conversation, preface your conversation by expressing your fears and concerns about how difficult it is for you to talk about sex and that you don’t want to be misunderstood. Say something like this: I have a few thoughts about our sex life and I want to share them with you and see what you think. I hope you won’t take this the wrong way but I am worried because I don’t want to hurt you.
Written by: Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., L.P.C.C. specializing in sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, premarital counseling, individual relationship therapy & LGBTQQI couples counseling at Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc. in the East Bay, in Dublin & Oakland.
If you or your partner would like to enhance your sexual connection or need help with a sexual issue or concern, sex therapy at Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc. in the East Bay can help. Dr. Clark has advanced & specialized training in sex therapy and she has helped many couples & individuals resolve their sexual concerns.
Call 925-400-3541 or email doctor.nvclark@gmail.com to schedule a free 15 minute phone consult or fill out the contact form and you will be contacted within 12-24 hours.