How To Talk To Your Partner About Masturbation
Sex therapy & couples counseling at Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy can help you and your partner work through your sexual hangups and get in touch with your sexual selves.
Masturbation is at times a touchy topic among couples. In fact, some couples either assume that their partner does not masturbate or even expect that their partner should not masturbate since they are in a relationship. In reality, many people who are married or in committed long-term relationships do masturbate. Some people even report masturbating more when they are in a relationship than when they are single.
Masturbating or not masturbating while in a committed relationship does not have any correlation with overall sexual satisfaction in the relationship. There are plenty of people who don’t masturbate even though they are very dissatisfied with their sexual connection with their partner. On the other hand, there are people who report being very satisfied with their sexual relationship and yet masturbate.
I have found that most couples are very uncomfortable with discussing the topic of masturbation with each other. Some are afraid to find out the answer to the question if their partner masturbates and others feel afraid of telling their partner that they do masturbate because they don’t want to make their partner feel insecure.
Whether you have walked in on your partner masturbating or you are wondering if your partner masturbates, here are some pointers for having a conversation about masturbation with your partner:
Try to be calm-
If you walk in on your partner masturbating or you have a feeling that they do, try to stay calm. If the level of sexual satisfaction in your relationship is low, it is easy to draw irrational conclusions such as your partner prefers masturbation over having sex with you or that they are “addicted” to masturbation or pornography. Instead of losing your cool, try to remain level-headed and let your partner know that you would like to talk about it at a time that is convenient for you both.
Assess your fears/concerns-
Before talking with your partner about masturbation, take a moment to reflect on and assess your fears or concerns about this topic. Are you feeling insecure because you are concerned that your partner might be dissatisfied with the sex in the relationship? Or are you feeling concerned that your partner is no longer interested in having sex with you? Keep in mind that there are situations in which the discovery of masturbation in a relationship could be an indication of a problematic sexual dynamic- especially where the partner in question expresses a desire to masturbate rather than have sex and their partner feels deprived of a sexual connection with them.
Keep an open mind-
During the conversation with your partner, keep an open mind. Don’t make any premature assumptions or jump to rash conclusions. Remember, conversations about masturbation could bring up feelings of shame or embarrassment in your partner- it is essential to not come across as demeaning, condescending or blaming.
Use I statements-
Conversations are more effective if all parties involved use I statements which denotes owning one’s feelings instead of blaming them on others. If you feel deprived of a sexual connection with your partner or feel insecure about their use of porn- express this using I statements such as “I feel at times, you would rather masturbate than have sex with me” or “I feel left out when you prefer masturbation over sex.”
Give your partner time to reflect-
You might be surprised to find out that your partner has been wanting to have this conversation with you as well but did not know how to bring it up. Give them some time to reflect on what you shared and their feelings in response to yours. The conversation could also create a wonderful opportunity for you both to discuss your mutual expectations about sex and masturbation.
Use it to get closer-
Masturbating together or watching your partner masturbate are great ways to break the sexual boredom and both activities are incredibly erotic. Discuss with each other how you both can use masturbation or porn to fuel things up in the bedroom instead of tip-toeing around the topic in an awkward and uncomfortable manner!
About the author: Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., L.P.C.C., C.S.T. is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and PACT Level I Certified Couples Therapist. She specializes in working with couples & individuals struggling with low or mismatched libido, weak or absent orgasms, performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, sexuality & aging, general sexual dissatisfaction etc. She also works with people interested in exploring sexual orientation, gender identity, kink, BDSM & polyamory.