No outcome is the BEST outcome in sex
No outcome is the best outcome...when it comes to sex. I can’t reiterate this message enough! If there is one mantra I want my clients to internalize about sex and intimacy, it is that letting go of goals, outcomes, expectations, and demands are the best and perhaps the only way to ensure a long-lasting and mutually satisfying sexual connection.
Unless sex is serving a procreative function, there is no reason to expect or demand an erection and/or orgasm or approach the experience as if it were a means to an end with the end being successful penetration.
In fact, a myriad of sexual issues could be prevented and remedied just by practicing a non-demand and zero expectations approach to sexual intimacy.
Here are some ways in which letting go off goals, expectations and demands can help your sexual connection:
1. Alleviates pressure-
Performance anxiety is the most common reason for men to seek out sex therapy and the problem is not limited to men alone. Women also feel the pressure to perform- whether it is pressure to act a certain way during sex, to bring their partner to orgasm through oral sex and even being able to orgasm themselves. By taking the pressure out of the equation and creating an environment that is calm, safe and relaxing, problems with erection or orgasm tend to become more manageable or disappear altogether.
2. Focus is on connection-
For most people, sex serves the function of building connection. Unfortunately, connection takes a back seat when all of the mental and emotional resources are spent on meeting each other’s expectations and demands about achieving and maintaining erections or having orgasms. Sex often becomes a task that needs to be completed in a step by step manner or it is seen as a failed event. By making the connection the focus of any sexual experience, sex feels less of a task or a chore that needs to be checked off on one’s to-do list.
3. Builds true intimacy-
Vulnerability is at the core of intimacy. When sex is more about connection and closeness and less about pressure, demands, performance, frustration or guilt, vulnerability gets a chance to take center stage. People who view sex as an exercise in intimacy and vulnerability feel happier and more fulfilled in all aspects of their relationship.
4. Eliminates negative feelings-
By getting rid of the cycle of demand and performance, you can also get rid of the negative feelings associated with sex. Far too many people approach sex with feelings of dread, anxiety or boredom because of their past sexual experiences and perpetuate the cycle of such feelings every time they have sex. By shedding the preconceived expectations about what sex “should” be, sex becomes a much more positive and rewarding experience and what we know about rewarding experiences is that we can’t get enough of them!
If you are interested in trying a non-demand approach to sex, create an experience with your partner where the emphasis is on touching, exploring, caressing, kissing and loving and penetration, erection, orgasm are off the table. Focus on what you are feeling, smelling, seeing and tasting in the moment instead of being distracted by “finishing” with an orgasm.
About the author: Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., L.P.C.C., C.S.T. is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and PACT Level II Certified Couples Therapist. She specializes in working with couples & individuals struggling with low or mismatched libido, weak or absent orgasms, performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, sexuality & aging, general sexual dissatisfaction etc. She also works with people interested in exploring sexual orientation, gender identity, kink, BDSM & polyamory.