Getting Over Sexual Boredom

Sexual boredom is a common complaint among couples in long term relationships and sex therapy at Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc. in the East Bay can help you and your partner revitalize your intimate connection.

Photo by Bryan Apen

Sexual boredom is a very common issue among couples that have been together for a considerable length of time. Boredom in the bedroom impacts all aspects of the sexual response cycle- desire, arousal and orgasm. Signs that you might be feeling the effects of sexual boredom include lower desire, difficulty getting aroused-weak erections or diminished lubrication and either unable to orgasm or dissatisfied with the intensity of the orgasms. Of course, many of these effects could be symptoms of a sexual dysfunction but it is essential to rule out boredom before tackling the problem as a sexual disorder.

Before I get into what couples can do to bring back the excitement to their sex lives, I want to reiterate that the feeling of sexual boredom is a normal by product of being in a long term relationship. Just because you and/or your partner are bored in the bedroom, it does not mean that the relationship lacks love. It merely means that your sexual repertoire lacks variety and that is something that can be easily learned and add to your routine.

Tips for breaking the boredom in the bedroom

1.       Act, not react-

It’s common for couples to get stuck in a dynamic where one partner initiates sex most of the time. If you find that your partner takes more initiative than you, make an effort to be more of an actor than a reactor. Surprise your partner by initiating sex and taking the lead. Your partner is guaranteed to be pleasantly surprised because you initiating sex also conveys to your partner that they are desired and wanted!

2.       Share fantasies-

Find time to talk about sex, what turns you on and invite your partner to join with you to create a new sexual script that you both can use to spice things up. Doing the same sexual dance over and over is a short cut to boredom. Also, as people age, their sexual needs and turn ons change which makes it even more important to check in with each other and update your sexual script.

3.       Toys & role play-

Sex toys and sexual role play are two great ways to change things up. Sharing fantasies can open up conversations about including toys and role play into your sexual scripts. Some people feel hesitant to bring up the topic of introducing sex toys because they are unsure of their partner’s openness and willingness to explore new avenues for pleasure. The more you communicate with your partner about sex, the better you both get at it.

4.       Outercourse over intercourse-

Couples that get stuck in a sexual rut and go weeks and months without having any sort of sexual intimacy, find it really hard to get back to having sex. The key is to keep the sexual flame going strong by engaging in outercourse, when intercourse is not an option. In many ways outercourse is more important than intercourse, in maintaining long term satisfying sexual connection. Outercourse includes sexual activities that don’t involve penetration- clitoral stimulation, hand jobs, oral sex, naked massages, mutual masturbation, showering together, and the list goes on. Let loose your sexual creativity and watch the flame burn strong!

5.       Emotional intimacy-

In the midst of a sexual drought, what keeps couples connected is strong emotional intimacy. Non-sexual intimacy is a key ingredient for a satisfying, long-term relationship. Making your partner feel sexy, wanted, beautiful, appreciated, admired and cherished are all ways of boosting non-sexual intimacy. Use touch, eye contact, snuggling, holding hands, compliments, words of endearment to let each other know that your love extends above and beyond giving and receiving sexual pleasure.

6.       Change it up-

Try new bed sheets, lingerie, scents, sensual oils, positions, places and routines. Sprinkle in some vacation or weekend getaway sex and if staycation is a better option, experiment with different rooms and find new sensual venues within the house.

Written by: Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., L.P.C.C. specializing in sex therapy,  couples therapy & marriage counseling, premarital counseling, individual relationship therapy & LGBTQQI couples counseling at Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc. in the East Bay, in Dublin & Oakland.

If you or your partner would like to enhance your sexual connection or need help with a sexual issue or concern, sex therapy at Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc. in the East Bay can help. Dr. Clark has advanced & specialized training in sex therapy and she has helped many couples & individuals resolve their sexual concerns.

Call 925-400-3541 or email doctor.nvclark@gmail.com to schedule a free 15 minute phone consult or fill out the contact form and you will be contacted within 12-24 hours.