Cons Of Sharing Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner
Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy offers a specialized approach to sex therapy & couples counseling to individuals and couples all over the Bay Area.
In the last post, I shared some pros of sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner along with some tips on how to do so. There are several benefits of being open about your erotic fantasies but a certain degree of risk accompanies the sharing and at times, being open and forthcoming could backfire.
Here are some cons of sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner:
1. Your fantasy could lose its power-
Sexual fantasies are meant to fuel your sexual desire and arousal. They exist in your psyche and can be accessed only by you. They are often tried and tested. In other words, you have turned to them to get you going and they have yielded consistent results. However, by sharing them, they could lose their power because they are now out in the open and become accessible by you and your partner.
Sexual fantasies derive their power from being private, inaccessible and hidden. Once you remove the veil of secrecy, they lose their intensity. It’s similar to saying something out loud for it to feel real - once you start talking about your fantasies and decide to act them out, don’t be surprised if you are disappointed with the results.
This is similar to a daydream losing its appeal once you share it with someone else. Also, the process of spelling out your fantasy in order to act it out with your partner could feel tedious and mechanical as opposed to feeling sensual and stimulating.
2. You might push your partner’s boundaries-
By sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner, you might inadvertently push their boundaries. In an effort to please you and not hurt your feelings, your partner might be hesitant to share their discomfort with acting out your sexual fantasy. They might go along because they feel obligated to do so.
This could result in your partner feeling dissatisfied with sex and create resentment in the relationship. It could also be tiresome and monotonous for your partner to participate in your fantasy repeatedly, especially if it’s not sexually arousing for them. Your partner might begin to experience a decline in their libido but feel pressured to continue to act out your fantasy.
3. Your partner might judge you-
Depending on the nature of the sexual fantasy you decide to share with your partner, you might be judged by your partner for your likes and interests. This is similar to your partner finding out what kind of porn you are into. It could make them wonder or even be appalled by what you like.
Your partner might begin to question how your particular sexual interest fits in with your relationship and attraction towards them. Instead of strengthening the trust and transparency in the relationship, your decision to share your sexual fantasies could make your partner uptight and very uncomfortable during sex. They might wonder if your sexual interest defines your entire sexuality and why you would be in a relationship with them.
4. Your relationship could be threatened-
If your fantasy involves people other than your partner or includes sexual interests that your partner had no idea about, bringing such a fantasy out in the open, could seriously threaten the relationship. For example, if you identify as straight and you are in a heterosexual relationship but some of your powerful fantasies involve same-sex themes, your partner could feel unsure of your attraction towards them and begin to question your sexual orientation. On a side note, same-sex fantasies are common among people who identify as straight.
The same goes for fantasies that sometimes turn into fetishes and sexual behavior that falls outside of the context of the fetish is no longer arousing or fun. Partners of people who can only get aroused through a series of ritualistic thoughts and behaviors often report feeling like they don’t even exist for their partner or that they are merely a vehicle of sexual pleasure without any feelings or thoughts.
Before you make a decision about whether you should or should not share your sexual fantasies with your partner, take into account the nature of the fantasy you want to share, your partner’s reactions to offbeat disclosures made by you in the past, and their limits, boundaries and comfort with sexual experimentation.
About the author: Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., L.P.C.C., C.S.T. is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and PACT Level II Certified Couples Therapist. She specializes in working with couples & individuals struggling with low or mismatched libido, weak or absent orgasms, performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, sexuality & aging, general sexual dissatisfaction etc. She also works with people interested in exploring sexual orientation, gender identity, kink, BDSM & polyamory.